“Still. I was rash. Blinded by–” I cut off my sentence and blushed. I was not going to share with him that I’d been blinded by orgasms. “I wasn’t thinking. I need to take time and think things through. Plan.”
God, I didn’t make any sense, did I? I’d felt so sure in the moment, but right now, I couldn’t even articulate it.
“I just don’t have good instincts,” I continued. “I mean, I can’t trust them, which means I was making bad decisions. Rash ones.” I looked at him. “Don’t you think it’s important to… I don’t know, look before you leap?”
Mark cocked his head and ignored my question. “What makes you think you don’t have good instincts?”
I blew out my breath and let my shoulders slump. “Experience. I mean, I just don’t.” I shrugged and thought about my past. “I didn’t have a good role model. Growing up, my mom jumped from man to man, and they were all losers. Just recently, she got dumped by a guy in Texas, asked me for money to get by, then two days later messaged and said she’d fallen for a man and was going to Florida.”
Mark quirked his mouth and leaned back in his chair.
“In college, the first time out on my own, I ended up picking a string of loser boyfriends. My friend tells me I miss all the signs.”
Mark leaned forward and set his elbows on his desk then rubbed a hand over his face. “Let me ask you a question. On Friday night, what made you bail from that meeting at the Four Seasons?”
“Well…” I blinked. “I realized I was involved in laundering money.”
He nodded. “Realized, yes. Where did you feel it in your body?”
I stared at him for a moment as I thought back. “Right here.” I held a fist in front of my gut. “It got real tight.”
Mark quirked a smile. “Right. Your gut told you something shady was going on. All humans have good instincts, just like wolves. It’s just that you don’t always heed them. You trust your brain instead of your gut. And our brains don’t always know best.”
My mind tied itself in a knot trying to decipher his meaning. “But…doesn’t my brain know better?”
Mark shook his head. “Your gut knows.” He spread his hands. “Tell me, how did you feel when you ran into Roy?”
I thought back. Smiled. “Relieved. Safe. But then my brain caught up and told me I shouldn’t be alone in a man’s hotel room, and I got nervous. Wouldn't that be my body telling me it wasn’t safe? I was afraid I’d misread signals again.”
Mark’s lips quirked. “It is confusing. Your thoughts can create tension in your body, for sure. That’s when you have to really check in. Like right now–try this: tell me how it feels in your body when I ask, are you safe with Roy?”
Tears speared my eyes. “Relief,” I said. I dabbed the corner of my eye.
If I felt relief, why was I crying?
Oh, right, because I’d pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to me out of fear.
Mark stared quiet. Patient.
“I’ve been an idiot.”
He grinned. “You asked if I thought Roy’s body count was a red flag. If he was some kind of serial killer or murdered people when he got angry. I don’t. Alpha wolves have an instinct to protect anyone weaker than them.”
“Like the Afghani woman.”
“And you,” he added. “Roy is a Marine, and his training combined with that wolf instinct make him lethal in dangerous situations. I consider that an asset. It might be because I’m also a shifter, but I’d say I want someone like him having my back.”
I did, too.
“I also know that a wolf who has found his mate will do everything in his will to make her happy, provide for her, and protect her from harm. I mean everything. I knew before you even did a gut check that you are and always will be safe with Roy. In fact, being with Roy is the safest place you could ever be because you’re his mate. Marked, too. But I understand about things going too fast. Falling that fast for a human can be scary, but a shifter like Roy? No wonder you freaked.”
I sighed, relieved that he was clearing up my thoughts.
“Roy freaked, too. He rushed you to go to Montana without you having enough time to understand our ways. He knows that was a mistake.”
The remaining weight that had been suffocating me lifted. I could breathe again. Hope was expanding. Taking flight.
“You talked to him?” I sniffed, willing the tears away.