“Beginning or the end. I hope she’s my beginning.”
Sable’s shadow takes a deep breath, and my heart pumps blood so fast that it rushes in my ear. Before I can say something, he continues.
“We spoke on the beach. She told me about her father, who was executed for piracy. Even in such a heavy moment, I really wanted to kiss her. To show her my affection.”
He wanted to kiss me? Heat rises within me at the thought. But then I ruined it by asking about the curse. I regretted it then, and I regret it even more now.
The ink gets darker, as if he applied a lot of pressure to get the words down.
“The Glim returned. I have no memory of last night. After she asked about the curse, everything is a blur. I hope I didn’t hurt her.”
Oh, Sable. You didn’t hurt me. Tears begin to well in my eyes, and I swallow hard, trying to hold them back.
“Remember: She has my hat.”
I giggle. I still have that hat.
“We are sailing toward the Sea of Shadows. I am sure my shadow will not stay with me. Will try to keep my distance.”
Another page. The ink is smeared here, as if written in haste. By the time I reach the final pages, the writing has become frantic. Lines repeat, and then the same sentence appears again and again, filling entire pages.
“What does it say?”
The shadow presses one finger to the paper, following the line as he reads aloud.
“My name is Sable Crowe,” he says in a low voice. “I am the captain of the Noctis.”
I gasp as tears finally blur my vision. He told me he doesn’t remember his name on the balcony, but somehow, I haven’t second-guessed it. I thought what he said didn’t have any meaning because his shadow was gone. But him writing his name in his journal confirms it. Devastated, my whole body tenses.
“You forget?” I whisper, the notebook almost slipping from my fingers. “When your shadow is gone, you forget who you are?”
“Aye,” Sable nods. “I forget, and it becomes worse the more and the longer I am away. I write it in there to remind myself, though my shadowless self rarely checks the diaries. The farther I am away, the less my physical form is aware of himself and what he is doing. After the incident with Ash, I was fighting for dear life, trying to hold onto myself. It worked, but when wesailed through the Sea of Shadows, it was helpless. I told you to stay away, to not search for me. We both know how that ended.”
“But you know what will happen?” A single tear escapes from my eye, wetting my cheek. “That he will die, I mean, you will die if you do not break the curse.”
He straightens and folds his arms behind his back. “I am aware.”
“Then why?” I toss the notebook back onto the desk. “Why are you still not seeing any hope for yourself? What happened to I am willing to fight?”
My chest is heaving now, as I glare at him with my feet planted to the ground, tears now streaming down my face.
“Because I know that by the way Lark’s shadow drained you, you won't be able to return mine. When you told me about the salt recharging your powers today, I realized that it won’t be enough. Not if you must sing back the shadows of all crew members. It costs you every time you use your song, haven’t you realized?”
I look away. Of course I have realized. The blood dripping from my nose, how sleep claims me for longer than usual, the headaches.
“I can do it,” I whisper, my voice raspy. “I can do it right now.”
“I know you can do it.” He takes my head in his hands and gently wipes away my tears. It feels so wrong and at the same time, the most natural thing in the world, as if my soul recognizes his.
“I fear for your life,” he finally whispers, and I let my tears fall in silence. “I never told you about my mother. She was a sea witch, like my sister. When my father was murdered…”
His voice breaks, and he draws in a steadying breath before continuing.
“She tried to bring him back. She used more power than she could hold, and it killed her in the end. I can feel that I’m too fargone, and if you try to sing my shadow back, you might end up like her. I won’t let that happen.”
“I can gain more power, I can—”
“Kill more cruel men?” he interrupts me. “I saw what it did to you when you drowned Ash. You were terrified. I won't let you go through this again just for the sake of a better chance of saving me when I am already lost.”