He didn’t reach for the papers. His eyes never left mine.
I took a few steps and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. “Real…estate.”
“I know you’re trying to tell me something important, but I can’t focus on anything but letting you go. If I had a choice, I’d throw you in the car, and we’d head somewhere until this blew over.”
“It won’t. You…know this.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like my wife walking into the lion’s den without me. I promised you wouldn’t have to.”
I wrapped my hand around his arm, sliding closer until our sides touched completely. A solid unit, like our marriage. “If you…hadn’t given…me…the courage…to find…my strength, I wouldn’t…be able…to look him…in the eye and…tell him what…an asshole he…is.”
Thunder barked a laugh, but he didn’t turn to face me. “Liz, I didn’t do shit. You’ve always had the strength.”
“No, you’ve…always...been there…for me. Got me…through this.”
He rolled his head back, his eyes pointed to the white ceiling of our bedroom. “Don’t make me the hero in this. I’ve lied to you from the beginning, and that makes me no better than the rest of them.”
“What…are you…talking about?”
“At first, I didn’t really know you. Fuck, you didn’t even know you. So, I waited, but every time I pushed, you pulled away.”
“What…are…you…saying?”
“I didn’t want to be your fucking friend. Fuck! That’s not true. I didn’t mind, and I got to spend time with you. Fuck, I minded. Jesus Christ, I’m fucking this up. You only offered friendship, and I was greedy, taking it for myself.”
“We were…friends.”
“More, Liz. I wanted fucking more.” He dropped his head into his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. “I’m not a good man. I told you that.” His fingers pulled at his hair, making it stand on end. “I panicked. You were going to leave, and all I could think was that I couldn’t let that happen.”
“Want…me?”
“How do you not see any of this?”
“Married…”
“I was so afraid of losing you, I sold it as the solution to all of this, telling myself I’d let you go if you asked. I tricked you,” he spat into the room. The words were so forceful, I jumped at their power.
“Why? Lie? Trust?” My jaw dropped, and my forehead puckered so hard, my head hurt.
“All you had to do was ask for protection, and the club would have taken you in.” Thunder blew out a loud breath. “I wanted you to be mine. Fuck, not like that. I wanted you to need me as much as I need you.”
“Real? So, everything...fake?”
I thought Thunder had been different. He’d given me the power of choice. I couldn’t reconcile that man with the one who was sitting next to me.
I remembered when my father had sat my mother down at the kitchen table, belittling her for fixing one of his deals that had been about to fall through.
I’d been in the room when Gerry had cornered my sister, not letting her out until she apologized for some slight he thought she’d inflicted.
A dark chuckle threatened to escape. I’d wanted to go to college. To get a degree in business, so that I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone but myself, and Alex had gotten me pregnant, ending my career path before it had even started.
Thunder. I couldn’t. The crack in my heart widened, and a squeak escaped.
“No.” He waved his hands, turning to face me. His jaw dropped, and he sputtered emphatically. “No, it was all real for me.”
I bowed my head. I wanted to hug him and let him tell me this was another blackout, but I knew differently.
“I never gave you a chance to explore what you wanted. That’s on me.”