"Jen, I’m gonna’ reschedule the training today." He flips his smoke and looks at us. "I'll give you guys a minute to sort this shit out, because whatever it is, it’s killing you my man. Your acting crazy." Sam addresses me but looks at Jen with the same concern.
"He's right, this shit is getting out of hand Cal." Noah says as Sam heads back inside the shop.
"I know it!" I laugh uncomfortably. "I am certifiable these days."
"So, I guess it’s my fault you can’t see past your ego?" Jen says, hand on her hip and stares me down.
"Oh, this isn’t my ego you shit!" I yell and walk toward her, Noah not stopping me. "This is me trying to figure out why I give a rat’s ass anymore."
"Well don’t then, move on. I am trying to be a good mom and build a career and yes, date!"
"Move on? Red if I could I would have. I have been on my knees crawling to find my fucking dignity that was ripped from me by first Tayla and now you!" I scrub my face and look to Noah. "I have fallen so fucking low, I need to roll my socks down to take a fucking piss."
"Then maybe stop comparing me to Tayla and actually see me!" She yells and, I swear to God, I feel steam come from my ears.
"Listen to me very fucking closely here Jenny,very fucking close." I seethe and elbow Noah who now sees exactly how mad I am and tries again to intervene. I outweigh him by a good eighty pounds he knows. I will snap and drop him.
"I have no desire to speak with Tayla Livingston, to see her snide face or think of what could have been had I still been under that spell. I have accepted it and let it go. I kept my focus on Axe and work. When I did start to see you is when I fucked you, all night and poured my heart out. Whatever the fuck you took from my raw truth is your perception and I cannot help you there. I made my intentions clear then and I did last week at your apartment. You made it clear that we will never happen. I haven’t reached out to you. I haven’t asked for you to listen to me and I won’t ask you to pick me ever again, it all lies on you."
"Come on man..." Noah says, no fight in his words and I know him, too fucking well and in this I do think he is on my side. I am not wrong in this. I fought for her and Tay both left me needing to be saved. The only option is fangirls and music, because there is nothing left.
"Then, if you don’t want me why insult Sully and I? Because Tay hurt you and used Sully in it!” She answers for me thinking she has the right. “You still fucking care!" She yells to my retreating back. I ignore her, but Noah doesn’t.
"Enough, Jen!" He yells and I turn surprised by his yelling. Jen steps back, now sitting in that uncomfortable way we all have when you cross one of his few boundaries and set him off.
I almost felt bad for her… almost.
"You weren’t there Jen. You didn’t see how far he went to prove himself to her. How hard he fought formeto remain a member of TAT or how it is what started the downfall for them. You didn’t see him smashing the hell out of every memory they made, shattering every frame and tearing up every picture. You didn’t see him shatter every bottle ofMoscatoas he cursed her. You didn’t see him on Thanksgiving, not once I got there. It was devastating. Now you try to pretend that this is on Tayla?Congratu-fucking-lationsJen, because you found the one place she isn’t guilty and it starts and ends with there never being a shot in hell he would take her back."
He places his arms on her shoulders and forces him to look at her. "Your denial is what is making him crazy-possessive and jealous-angry. It is all games you are playing and it will backfire if you don’t fucking stop.You! You are the one that sits and blames him for why you can’t have him, but it all is you. You’re the fucking pussy."
She flinches from his words, but she stands firm and straightens her shoulders before addressing him. "When we had this same talk when you fought for Bright, remember that I spoke to you with ease and comfort. I knew your reasons why you couldn’t put your heart out there, and you know mine" She looks at him pointedly and I watch him close his eyes against the image she painted.
Color me curious? What the fuck does he know and I don’t?
"I didn’t call you a pussy, I told you to do whatever it took to be happy. You told me you wanted no part of this and that you wouldn’t get involved, yet you just jumped right in the middle of this shitstorm and have the audacity to call me a pussy...?" She shakes her head and pulls her keys from her pockets. "Fuck you right back. Both of you."
Neither of us said anything as she left, nothing to say. He obviously knew Jens secrets and she obviously knew before we all did that he struggled much harder than we knew when coming to terms with Bright.
What started about Jen and I and the tension between us, ended in a very sad come to Jesus moment with him and Jen.
"Look, I wanted nothing to do with this thing between you guys. I made it clear that you both are equals to me and I couldn’t be her go to guy in this. But I was left with no choice on this."
He looks at me and I know he is feeling like shit. "I also know a thing or two about why she is running scared from you." I go to ask what but he puts his hand up and shakes his head no. "Not my place and you know it."
"What I meant by saying that I got involved, was because she is basically lying, pulling any card to stop from saying the truth and I am over it. What I will tell you is what she thinks doesn’t matter. It matters...greatly."
I scrub my face for the millionth time this hour and I am surprised I have a beard left with all the stressful shit. "Well, tell me because its freaking me out that there’s shit, bad shit- that I don’t know."
"I told you that Christmas after you guys split, that there was nothing strange or weird about a mother and father ending up together.,"
I nod remembering, but still arguing that I couldn’t see her without seeing everyone else she partied with too.
That shit still makes me postal.
"Well, she has been in love with you for the better part of a decade if not longer. Pre-dates everything you thought and will strip you to nothing when you look back on those same memories that fuck with your head... ten times worse when you remember them with the knowledge she only wanted you."
He says nothing else and I let it drop because he has no clue that I bear the burden and have suspected it for a while. He has no idea that he only confirmed what I feared.