I let him do it, I always do. I focus on the memories of Cal when he respected me and pleasured me with reverence. He was once grateful for my touch when we were younger and before he was a Rockstar without a care in the world.
It is that guy I feel, no matter how used I am after, it is the Cal from my memories I feel when I am with him.
Fucked up I know, but there it is. Addiction in any sense of the word is ugly.
"I am gonna blow through this condom!" He roars and slams into me fast and hard. "Never been this good, what the fuck?" He cries and cum’s, grinding into my mound as he beats his dick into me.
It is brutal.
Bliss.
Desperate.
Perfect.
He doesn’t linger or cuddle. No sweet kisses or promise of another round. He reminds me when he removes from my body that we are not lovers, we are toxic and he is bad for me. He laughs and looks at his dick and the lack of a condom before his eyes meet mine. He sways from the alcohol and asks me if I’m on the pill. I try to tell him no as I panic, scared I could get pregnant.
He ignores me though and heads to the bathroom, holding himself against the wall to piss. I have the humiliating task of trying to locate the used condom still inside of me. I clean myself when Cal comes out and says nothing but a ‘thanks’ over his shoulder and leaves heading back to the party. I sneak out after I am cleaned and never step foot on his bus again.
For the first time I am painfully aware that I mean nothing to him.
Nothing and I pray that I come out of this with nothing more than humiliation.
I am pulled from the memory, knowing I was smacked with the consequence of my stupidity and delivered Axe alone, after a caesarian section when labor almost killed us both.
I push the bile down as I think of my lack of dignity where Cal is concerned and listen the rumble of a car getting closer.
As if he would let me breathe after that'fuck you'I gave, I see a shining black muscle car pull into my lot. I know its him because he is the only guy I know that would buy it and blast Alice in Chains, announcing its arrival in this neighborhood.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks at me, says nothing and makes his way to my door upstairs. Seconds later I feel him tug on my hair before sitting across from me.
"Am I gonna get the silent treatment? Because I will warn you, I invented that bullshit. I have no problem chilling here until you are done being a brat and listen to what I have to say."
I look at him and take a drag off my smoke. "No silent treatment, I know I deserved it." I play with the freighted hole in the knee of my jeans not looking at him. "I’m sorry that I told you to fuck off."
He leans forward and tips my chin up so I can see his eyes. "Sorry I called you a pussy. I could have been a little more sensitive, but I suck at filtering."
"Well coward or pussy, don’t matter they are both the same and you were right, I am a coward."
"Why not tell him about the rape Jen?" He leans back after stealing my smoke. "Or the fact you were offered money to run and never look back but asked for help instead?" I recall with blinding clarity the moment he offered me five hundred thousand dollars to leave and my begging him to pay for my treatment and therapy instead. If I had even a snowballs chance in hell to be in Axe's life ever again I needed to learn to live without a hustle or drugs or men.
I tell him my thoughts and try to explain the shame in it. "Noah, I judge myself. I knew what I was doing taking Axe to that party. I knew how I would pay. How it all played out, no I wasn’t expecting it to go so completely different than any other deal I had ever made." I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees and burry my face, my long hair shielding me from him as it falls forward.
"Babes, I got my ass beat in a bloody biker kind of way for hitting up a dirty dealer. I wasn’t about to snitch or cry that it was unfair, but I sure as fuck learned my lesson. Sometimes we gotta learn the hard way, and Jen we both did."
I sit up and light another smoke, still letting my hair hide me from him. But, with a soft hand he pulls it back. "Look at me Jen."
I do and I hate the tears in my eyes. "Nobody has the right to judge your rock bottom. Not even Cal."
"I just feel like I have so many awful points where he witnessed them, it’s almost like I want to save us both the misery of the truth."
"But how is that fair to him? You want his love Jen and that means he loves all of you or he isn’t worth it.Nobodyis worth it if they judge you based on your worst moment. We are all better than our worst, just people remember the worst because the impact was the hardest. It is shitty and unfair and it is why so many addicts fail in recovery. We didn’t Jen. You rose above your shitty mom and the hands you were dealt like me. We lost our way but we both came back stronger for it."
"I love you, you know that?" I say and wipe my tears before standing to hug him.
"I love you too Jen. Please promise me you'll talk to him though." I don’t want to promise that because it is hard to cope with as it is and including Cal in it makes it hard to breathe.
"Noah..." I say and look out over the dirt that was once grass and the trash surrounding the grounds. I feel like this shithole more often than not.