I tried to show that her words didn’t affect me. Sierra had never mentioned any of this when we were together or when we broke up. I always just assumed we wanted two different things and learned to accept it. At the end of day, I didn’t want to keep anyone around who didn’t want to be there.
“If that’s how you felt, why didn’t you say anything then?”
Again, she sighed. “ I didn’t want to disappoint you. I don’t know if you know it but you can be intimidating at times, Yosiah. You’re so sure of yourself and often have a one track mind when you set your sights on something. So instead of rocking the boat, I kept quiet until I couldn’t anymore.”
Her words were a tough pill to swallow and took me back to the conversation I had with my dad a couple weeks ago. I always felt I was easy to talk to and understand. I wasn’t aware that from the outside people thought differently. Still, communication between me and Sierra was never an issue, or at least I thought it wasn’t. I would have readjusted if she talked to me.
“You should have said something.”
She looked at me and nodded slowly. “I know that now. I’m not saying I wasn’t happy with you, because I was. You’re a great guy, Yosiah. I just couldn’t meet the expectations you had set for yourself and I realized that.” The corners of her mouth slowly lifted. “But I see you found someone who could. You’re married now, right? She’s beautiful by the way.”
My eyes dropped to my left hand. I thought about Xylina and the life we were in the process of making. With her, I had given up the dream of creating my own family, yet she still gave it to me, even if it was with selfish intentions. Our whole marriage, she seemed to go out her way to try and make me happy or notice her. Some ways I was sure were even out of her norm. It wasn’t until now that I realized that back when I was with Sierra, I was Xylina. Because I wanted to build a life with her, I did whatever I could to get her on board with me. Back then I thought I was just being a good boyfriend, but looking back now, I saw it was more of me trying to force something that wasn’t there in the first place. To mold both of us into something we weren’t meant to be.
The buzzer indicating my order was ready went off on the table, drawing my attention.
“I am,” I finally responded. “We’re expecting our first child too.”
That news caused her to perk up. “Really? That’s great. You’re getting the life you always wanted. You deserve it, Yosiah, seriously.”
My buzzer went off again. It had good timing too because there was nothing left to discuss between us. After listening to Sierra and coming to the realization that the two of us were never meant to last, the tension in my chest was still present but not as strong.
“I’m glad things worked out for you, Sierra. Now if I don’t head out, I’ll have a hangry wife calling me.”
Sierra snickered. “Oh I know all about that. It was nice talking to you, Yosiah. And I meant what I said, I’m happy to see all your dreams coming true.”
“Thanks.” I pushed away from the table, standing with my phone and buzzer in hand. I went to walk away but paused and turned to her. “Hope you have a safe delivery.”
Her smile softened. “Same to your wife.”
Turning away, I headed for the pickup window.
I had never been one to dwell on things I couldn’t change. The chapter of me and Sierra had been closed for a long time now. Now I needed to worry about the future and focus on my marriage.
Soon as I got home and handed Xylina her food, I went to my room to shower and clear my head. The talk with Sierra still was heavy in my mind and I needed a moment to decompress before being around Xylina.
When I came back downstairs, she was laying on the couch in her pajamas, scrolling through her phone with her Switch resting at her side. I stood at the entrance of the living roomand observed her for a second. It would be nice if everyone else could see her like this, laid back, dressed down in a sports bra and a pair of boxers, her hair in a messy bun. They would see her differently just as I’d started to. Then again, I was starting to like the fact that she was like this only at home where I could see her. Princess lay in front of the couch on a pile of blankets, sleeping peacefully.
Walking into the living room, I climbed onto the couch and lay on top of her, wrapping my arms around her waist and placing my head on her stomach.
“Shit, you scared me.” Resting my chin on her, I eyed her for a second, taking in her natural beauty.
“Whatever’s on that phone had you extra focused.”
She smirked and flipped it around, showing me the screen. “Just checking DMs.”
I scanned the list of aimless names. Most of the messages were unread and opened. I’d never been one to go through my girl’s phone, but I was well aware of the attention Xylina got online. While I wasn’t big on social media, I did check it here and there.
“Popular woman.” I laid my head back on her stomach and closed my eyes. Days like this I’d missed. I used to love coming home to someone and relaxing, leaving the outside world on the other side of the front door.
“Don’t worry, hubby, that attention doesn’t make me happy anymore.”
I chuckled. “I wasn’t worried.”
Her hand brushed over the top of my head. “Mhm. Not that I’m not liking becoming your pillow. What brought this on?”
I aimlessly stroked her side with my thumb. “I need a reason to lay on you?”
“I guess I’m just not used to it?”