‘Day by day. Moment by moment.’ That’s what she means, and I still remember exactly what she said after that.
We can stop at any time, walk away, try again, hang in there, celebrate small victories, fail, get back up again.
Today, just like back then, I can feel the power of her words, the courage and the hope they carry within them. But I can also feel that they no longer mean the same as they did on the day when Nyla found Camee’s bucket list.
For me, it’s no longer about not committing to something. I no longer need the reassurance that I can stop or walk away or fail. Instead, I want to hang in there, celebrate small victories, and stand up for what means the world to me.
‘Step by step,’ she says meaningfully.
I think of Lilly and Brian, of what the two of them have lost, and then I think of my fear.
That damned fear that I might be ill. And also that the illness could do the same thing to me that it did to my Camee. That I might never leave the clinic again once I’m in there. That I might only be able to imagine life beyond the windowpanes, but no longer take part in it.
And that’s when I realise why I so vehemently rejected Nyla’s words during our argument in the treatment room. Why I couldn’t bear them and what that led to.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say, reaching for her hands. ‘I was blind and deaf and didn’t want to… I couldn’t…’
She nods knowingly. ‘The worst part is the fear.’
‘Yeah, but it wasn’t the fear of the illness.’ Or of having to relive Lilly’s last months. ‘Not the fear of the pain, the nausea, the weakness.’
Her fingers intertwine with mine, her expression turning wistful.
‘It was the fear of having to say goodbye to you.’ Which is completely insane and makes no sense at all, but that’s how it was, and now I can finally admit it to myself. ‘It was…’
‘…it was so big that you thought saying goodbye right away to get rid of it would be the only right thing to do,’ she finishes my sentence and steps closer. ‘You knew I would insist on the exam.’
Yeah, I knew that, but not just that. ‘And also that it would end in a fight if I didn’t give in.’
‘That would let you banish me from your life,’ she completes the thought.
My God, how could I have been such an idiot?
Raindrops run down her face, just like they do down mine. I stroke across her forehead, then on to her temples, over her burning cheeks to her lips, which are trembling violently.
‘If there’s a chance…’ My voice breaks. ‘If there’s a chance, I want to believe in it.’
She kisses first the tips, then the knuckles of my fingers. ‘Let’s find out.’
I nod meaningfully and can no longer understand how I ever could have believed that a short life without her would be better than a long one with her, one I had never dared hope for.
Carefully, I wrap my arms around her. ‘Let’s find out,’ I confirm. ‘As soon as possible.’
Hardly have I spoken the words when the sun rises in her face. It is a radiance full of longing. Absolutely everything abouther captivates me: the large eyes, the delicate cheekbones, the perfectly curved lips on which a drop is hanging.
She looks just like she did back then, when we danced together in the rain in front of the clinic. ‘Do you remember how we…’
All at once she starts to hum, and that is answer enough. I rock her gently back and forth.
Together we turn in circles, our eyes fixed on each other, moving bit by bit through the garden. Raindrops bead on her skin, gather on her brows, trace the path of her laugh lines.
In her gaze there is nothing but love.
In my chest, the past, the future, and this one moment that will belong to us, whatever may come.
I lean down to her, she rises onto her tiptoes. The garden around us blurs into a wild blend of greens; I no longer feel the rain.
Gently, I press my lips to hers, kissing her as if I were making her a promise.