‘I’ll call Alex so she can help carry,’ I say as soon as we’re done. I shouldn’t be lifting anything this heavy, and if I run out of strength on the way, it could have fatal consequences for the teenager’s already considerable injury.
‘Oh, come on, we’ve got this. Grab her legs with me,’ Jaden says, full of energy, and crouches down behind the patient.
No. We have enough time to get our perfectly trained driver. It’s the optimal solution. For everyone. I give Jaden a pointed look. ‘You stay here, I’ll get Alex.’
‘But you’re already here, and the patient weighs fifty kilos at most. I’ll take the main load, you just have to stabilize her legs.’
That’s what I want to do, but the risk of it going wrong is too great. I shake my head, whereupon a deep furrow forms between Jaden’s brows. He doesn’t get it—of course he doesn’t—he’s probably thinking I’m trying to get out of work, that I don’t want to help the patient, that I don’t want to get my hands dirty. But I’m just not like him, I’m no heroine.
‘I’ll be right back,’ I say quickly and squeeze past the pillar. On my way down I can practically feel Jaden’s eyes on my back.
Questioning. Accusing. Stunned.
And he’s at least partly right. Yesterday, in the ER, I treated a woman completely wrong, and now I’m not pitching in. I’m a doctor who can’t really help. And the day after tomorrow I might not even be that anymore, but a patient again myself.
Panic rises hot inside me; I push it back. If my body isn’t strong enough, then at least my nerves should be.
I wave to Alex, who is waiting next to the ambulance and immediately ready to help. Five minutes later, the patient is lying in the vehicle. I take a deep breath while Jaden stabilizes the teenager’s leg and hip for transport. The question of whether I can ever be the doctor I so badly want to be still remains inside me.
Chapter Fourteen
JADEN
The whole drive to the clinic, Nyla looked like a frightened deer. Even now, after we’ve dropped the patient off at Halifax Harbor Hospital, the guilt is written all over her face.
Together we fill out the necessary forms at the ER coordinator’s desk.
‘You still need to sign here for the administration of the pain meds.’ I slide the clipboard over to her.
With her lips pressed together, she does what I asked, then looks up at me. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Everything turned out fine,’ I say. By now I know she’s exceptionally good at tormenting herself with all kinds of things, and this time she’s overdoing it again. No one was in danger, it’s not a big deal. ‘Let’s grab something to eat in the cafeteria.’
After the boozy night, my stomach is rebelling and the energy drinks are doing their part, even if I would never admit that to Nyla. She’d just give me a lecture, and she wouldn’t even be wrong. I’m actually not very nice to my body. But that’s just how it works for me. That’s how I work.
Together we take the elevator to the tenth floor. Nyla’s still unchanged, desperate expression gets to me, even though I try not to let it.
‘So, the thing is, I…’ Nyla begins, but doesn’t finish the sentence.
I glance at her briefly and recognize a kind of pain in her eyes I’m not made for. ‘Whatever that was about, it’s unimportant,’ I say soothingly.
The elevator doors open. Nyla nods awkwardly, we walk together to the cafeteria and weave our way between the other visitors to the refrigerated counter with the prepared delicacies.
Nyla chooses a quinoa salad, I take the biggest salami sandwich I can find. The fact that she eyes my lunch as if it were pure poison doesn’t surprise me, given what I know about her so far.
A little later we are sitting on stools at the counter that runs along the entire window front and offers a view of Halifax Harbor. Until now the sky has been nothing but gray, but now the clouds are breaking. The first rays of sun push their way through and make the ocean sparkle.
‘Believe me, I really would have liked to help.’ Nyla pokes around in her salad.
I can’t help but be puzzled by her yet again. Why doesn’t she just leave it behind her?
Searching for the right response, I bite into my sandwich and chew on it for as long as possible. ‘Digging around in the past makes no sense. You can’t change it anymore.’
She lets her fork sink. ‘Not change it, but understand it and grow from it.’
Once again I make the mistake of looking at her. She looks combative, the way she’s sitting on the stool and eating her bland salad as if it were a feast.
‘For a better future,’ she adds now.