Just right now.
And for one breath it was as if the twenty-five-percent Nyla didn’t exist.
Incredible how effortlessly Jaden managed something I’ve been trying to do in vain for months. How did he pull that off?I shake my head—at him and even more at myself—which June probably interprets as an answer to her question.
As if we were at home here, she slips off her shoes and settles into a comfortable cross-legged position. ‘This is about that paramedic, right?’
‘How do you know…?’
‘Sonora mentioned something.’ A broad grin takes over her face.
Sonora. Of course, I should have guessed. In our shared flat, nothing that has to do with men stays secret for long.
‘Well?’ June grabs a cushion. Behind her, a young couple strolls past. ‘What’s going on between you two?’
‘Nothing that makes any kind of sense.’ With a sigh, I sink back against the sofa.
‘You like him,’ June states happily.
Liking isn’t the right word, I’m afraid. ‘But that’s not the point.’
‘Does he like you?’ She raises her eyebrows.
‘No.’ I feel my cheeks start to burn and automatically reach for my earrings. June clicks her tongue. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’
Now she leans toward me and takes my hands in hers. ‘That’s wonderful.’
‘It’s a disaster,’ I reply.
June gently squeezes my hands. ‘You’re afraid.’
Afraid? That is far from what I feel. Panic is more like it. I look at her, seeking help. ‘What if I get sick again?’ Maybe I already am.
‘And what if you don’t?’ she asks gently. ‘What if, out of fear of something that has a low probability, you miss out on something that would pretty certainly make you happy?’
A twenty to fifty percent risk of falling ill again. A thirty to fifty percent risk of dying from this second illness. That is anything but low.
I take a deep breath. ‘This isn’t just about me.’
In her expression I can see that she’s finally beginning to realize what I’ve been thinking about this whole time. ‘You think it would end the same way it did with your ex.’
My chest tightens painfully at the memory of the day he told me he wasn’t strong enough to walk the path through the illness with me.
‘He was a cowardly asshole.’ June strokes my upper arm. ‘Be glad you got rid of him, he didn’t deserve you.’
‘No, that’s not it.’ If it did end the way it did with him, then so be it. My heart would break, again, but at least I wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge of burdening another person with the weight of my illness.
All that desperate hoping, the crushing fear, the anxious questions, the naked panic.
If my ex hadn’t pulled the ripcord in time back then, my illness would have destroyed him too. Him leaving was the right thing. At least that way he could go on living his life.
‘Then what is it?’ A crease forms between June’s brows.
‘Jaden is anything but a cowardly asshole.’ Images of him flicker through my mind. The way he climbs into the car hanging over the cliff. The way he holds the heart attack patient’s hand and jokes with him. The way he gives everything, no matter how much the situation demands of him. The way he pretends that nothing and no one can touch him, even though by now I’m sure the exact opposite is true.
Confused, June brushes her hair back. ‘Then everything’s fine.’
I pluck a piece of lint from the sofa fabric and watch it float to the floor. ‘Jaden is a hero.’