“What?”
“Just say your first kiss is whenyoukiss someone.”
“Okay,” I whisper, heat crawling up my face. “I meant to thank you for saying you crafted that bronze. You saved me.”
James leans back on his hands. “That’s part of our deal, right? I help keepyour secret. Besides, you’ve saved my life four times. I don’t think I could ever make it up to you.”
“Four? That sounds like an exaggeration.”
“First on the tracks. Then with Bex. Then Nity.”
“That’s very clearly three,” I laugh.
“Four is just in general. Keeping up with our deal so I can stay here.”
The fact that he feels just being here is saving him. My stomach turns. I can’t stop myself from thinking about how today almost jeopardized that. Colm, Dr. Burke, the recruiter, they could all suspect me of lying about my crafting ability. Could suspect that James and I are friends. Every race, the evidence builds against us and soon someone is going to gather enough to lead them to Nity.
“You need to know something about the first time I saved you.” The words tumble from my mouth. I can’t keep this secret any longer.
His eyebrows lower in confusion and he sits up straight again.
“When I saved you on the racing tracks, I tried to resuscitate you,” I start.
“I know.” Something seems to register in his eyes, and he flinches. “I’m sorry I ever joked about that being a kiss. I never meant—”
I hold up a hand. “That’s not where I’m going with this. I did chest compressions over and over and I told everyone that it worked. And I got you breathing, but…” I pause. For so long I vowed to keep this to myself so I could act like it didn’t happen. Never in my wildest dreams did I think of telling James himself, needing him to know. “There was a moment I thought you were going to die, and in that moment, I gave you gold.”
“You what?” He shifts toward me, scanning my face.
Slowly, I pull out the vial I always carry around. “I tipped about this amount of gold flakes into your mouth.”
He glances at the gold a mere moment before staring at me again. Now that I know him, it’s not a detached or emotionless expression. I can read his surprise like it’s my own.
“But why? Why would you risk—” He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. I risked Nity that day. I risked my family. I risked my entire world.
“I know what I risked.” I stand, unable to sit a moment longer. The fear and shame and anxiety all come back revealing this truth. I should have just kept at the chest compressions. That was the sensible thing to do. But I’ve never been sensible when it comes to James. I start back up the cliff, unable to face him any longer.
He scrambles to his feet to follow me. “Farren,” he calls.
I stop. “Because you would have died,” I announce to the dark path in front of me. At the time I was so panicked at the idea, being a spotter and failing at my job. I had the means, and I used it. Now the idea of his death cuts me to the bone.
“But you hate me?” The question pounds at my back.
I whip around. “I don’t hate you.”
“Okay, maybe not now, sure. But back then. Back then you hated me.” He punctuates the words and each one stings. “Heck, even a month ago you hated me.”
“And you hated me.” I throw back at him as I step closer.
He steps forward as well. “Are you joking?” There’s that surprise again.
“Until you came here you had barely said a few sentences to me. I was still a copper in your eyes. And you’re—” I stop. I don’t want to finish my sentence. I don’t even know what I plan to say. He’s a silver-crafter? Well, I’m a gold. He’s a rider? Well, that’s not what he wants. He’s a Murphy? Well, what does that mean in light of truly knowing him?
His whole body stills, and I know I’ve hurt him. “You can say it,” he says.
“I can’t. That’s part of the problem.” Because I don’t even know anymore. My own misconceptions, my own ignorance in reading him. My own competitiveness when James isn’t even that competitive. I exacerbated our feud and maybe deep down that’s why I saved him with gold. Maybe I always knew I was in the wrong.
“I can take it. Please, tell me.” He clenches his fists, awaiting the blow. “It’s for the best anyway. I should know to keep the pretense up. We have to keep pretending.”