My pulse is thundering through my veins harder than during a game. My eyes drop to his lips. They're impossibly plump and soft-looking. A lot of nerds have chapped lips. Or chew on them obsessively as some sort of nervous tic.
But Trey doesn't. God. I wonder what it would be like to kiss his lips. Would they feel like a girl's? Because they're so soft?
Adrenaline pumping through my veins, I close my eyes and drop my face, ready to press my lips to his and find out what it would feel like.
But he jerks back. I open my eyes. Trey just looks confused. But he definitely did not want to kiss me.
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. My eyes widen in fear. I almost just kissed a guy. And that guy rejected me. And I'm straight. Like, totally, completely straight. I like women. Big tits. Big ass. Their hair?
He's going to tell everyone. Everyone will know. My entire football team will harass me if they know. They can't know.
I push him. Hard. "Ew!" I shout, brushing past him to get back into the open area of the library and cause as big of a scene as possible. I dramatically wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "Ew, you faggot! Trey just tried to kiss me!"
My stomach sours instantly, as shame and rage and hurt barrel through me faster than I know how to handle. I can't be attracted to a guy. I just can't. I'm the quarterback of the football team. I'm going to go play in college. Maybe the NFL. I'm not gay.
Laughter and whispers come from a group of girls nearby, and Connor, my receiver, picks up the banner. "Ew, Trey. You going to try to kiss me, too?"
More laughter. Trey comes out from the bookshelves without making eye contact, grabs his bag from the table, and walks out of the library.
God, I was terrible to him. I remind myself to have some grace. That I was just a kid, with big emotions I didn't know how to handle. My dad was the local Sheriff and would absolutely not have approved of his son being a "faggot" - his words, not mine. Except I'd used exactly the same language as my dad. Not that it's an excuse. It was still a choice I made, and I now have to deal with the consequences.
The consequence being that the only guy I was ever attracted to hates me.
Chapter three
Trey
Istill haven't decided whether I'll take Gareth up on his proposal or not, and the unknown is irritating me. And Eve knows it. We're at hot yoga, she’s been eyeing me up in the floor-to-ceiling mirror on the wall. She doesn't miss a thing. One of the downsides to having a best friend you lived with for years. She knows all your tells.
Finally, the instructor directs us into shavasana. My heart's pounding, sweat is pooling in uncomfortable places, and usually this is the blessed part of yoga where my mind is blank, but I can't stop thinking about my stupid high school bully. Do I ignore him? I've been trying to, but that stupid inquiry is driving me insane.Bi-curious. No experience with men. Looking to explore.
It can't be legit, can it? Is this aNever Been Kissed-type prank? I'll show up to dinner and what? He’ll laugh and point at me for being gay? I'm obviously bigger than I was in high school. He couldn't push me around if he tried. And I don't care about being teased for being gay.
I had a terrible time coming out of the closet. I was adopted by an older, Catholic couple, who thought they were doing the Lord's work by adopting an unwanted brown baby. They were good parents up until they weren't. I didn't come out until I was eighteen because I knew they would kick me out, and I didn't have any friends who I could couch surf with. I'd made sure I had enough money to split an apartment with Billy, a kid I worked with at the movie theater.
When I told them I was gay, Mom's response was "No, you're not." I'll admit - that one I wasn't expecting. The fire and brimstone and threats of hell that came next were expected. In their eyes, there was no worse sin than same-sex attraction. Dad offered to send me to a conversion camp, before they threw all of my clothes out into the front yard and disowned me. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt, because it did. I loved my parents. But I knew I couldn't stay in contact with them.
They haven't tried to reach out either.
So why is this stupid inquiry eating me up inside so badly? Do I want it to be true? Do I want to work for Gareth? Do I want to hear his apology? Do I want him to beg for my forgiveness? Am I really that petty? Or has this simply opened a curiosity loop that my brain is demanding I resolve?
The instructor, Mel, thanks us for joining her. We all "namaste" and roll up our mats. Jamie and Eve close on my heels as we step out into the street. Eve slides her hand around my bicep and angles to walk next to me.
She squeezes my arm, and I anticipate her next words. "What's going on, big guy? You look like you've got a lot on your mind. Everything okay?"
I sigh, already feeling the tension return to my traps. "I got an inquiry yesterday from my high school bully. He says he's bi-curious and wants to explore his sexuality with a man. I'm debating how to answer him."
She hums in thought, and I can feel Jamie wanting to say something, but biting his tongue.
"What is it?" I ask. Jamie's a good man, and I trust his opinions. He's mature beyond his age. He took my best friend and busted through the walls she'd built around her heart and made her his. And I love him for it.
"It's obviously up to you, but people change. Did you ask him about the bullying?"
"He asked to take me out to dinner to apologize for all of it."
"And?"
"And I don't know if I want to let old dogs lie or revisit the worst few years of my life."