But Linds knows I don't mean it like that. "They wanted to have a Harry Potter movie marathon. We made it two movies before they tapped out."
I smile at the thought. Lindsey's eyes get soft as she takes a beat to take in my face.
"What has you up so late?" she teases, noticing I'm still in my suit. My new routine is a run before work, shower, nine to ten hours of work, before coming home, working out at the gym next door, dinner, and bed. So, me still being in my suit at ten o'clock on a Friday is unusual.
I know Trey said it wasn't a date. And it wasn't, really. But will it be like this when I do start dating? Telling my ex-wife about the men I date? Is that weird? I'll have to hear about her dating a new man. I don't think I would mind that, though, as long as they're good to her. And after our divorce, I'm sure she's not going to put up with any bullshit anymore.
"Is this weird?" I blurt out before I can censor my words.
"Is what weird?"
"Us. This. I went to dinner with someone..."
Her eyes nearly sparkle. "A date?" She's excited for me at the prospect of me putting myself out there again. This is exactly why I knew divorce was even an option. We love each other, there's no doubt about that. It was the intimacy that felt like it never fit right.
I avert my gaze for a minute, debating on how much I should tell her. Nope. The program calls for honesty, even if it's painful and uncomfortable.
"It wasn't a date. I had a crush on this guy in high school. I bullied him really badly, and I wanted to apologize. So, I did."
Her face softens. "So, did you always know you were gay?"
I shake my head immediately. "I'm not sure what I am. And I was scared of what I felt for this guy. I was definitely attracted to him, but angry that I couldn't do anything about it."
"Hurt people hurt people," she says, nodding in understanding.
I don't reply. There's no excuse for my actions except for a lot of confusing emotions, family pressures, and hormones.
"So, are you going to see him again?"
"I don't know. I told him I would like to, but the ball's in his court."
She nods again, adjusting her legs beneath her on the couch. She levels me with a mom-look - one that's stern and carries weight behind it.
"You deserve to be happy, Gare. You deserve love. You deserve to be loved."
"I'm not so sure about that. And I have you and the kids. Maybe that's enough for me."
"But what if it's not?"
A sickening feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. Can I hope for that? Can I open myself up for that? To love a man. To be loved by a man. Could I come home after a long day at work to the warm embrace of a man? Could I shower and cuddle a man?
In all of the domestic scenarios that come to my mind, it's not just any man. I try to make my imaginary partner white, maybe lithe, maybe shorter than me. But they all morph into exactly one dark, tall, and muscular man.
I have the love of my ex-wife and kids. I do. And I'm so grateful to even have that.
But, God, what if it isn't enough?
Chapter six
Trey
Having dinner with Gareth did nothing to quiet my mind. Now I'm wondering about actually providing him a service. He seemed so genuine and authentic at dinner. And it sounds like he's been through a lot the last couple of years. His divorce was relatively easy, considering he wanted to take care of his ex-wife and kids, which meant leaving the house to them while he moved into a small two-bedroom walk-up apartment.
Surely, if he were still the same selfish, insecure asshole from high school, he wouldn't have done that.
I try to pull my focus back onto my current boudoir client. She's an older, curvy woman who is gorgeous and confident in her own skin. Some clients come in nervous and insecure with their bodies, but Sandra requires no encouragement. I direct her into a few positions, letting her confidence and the lighting do most of the heavy lifting. Which is good. Because I'm distracted as hell.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to take Gareth on as a client, but I'm not naive. I won't go into this thinking everything will be fine. I'll have to make sure I maintain control of the scene. I won't givehim the opportunity to harass me again. No matter how much he pays.