My mind puts together all that Toby is saying, and I realise that no matter how wrong it feels, it makes sense. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be willing to go to prison to pay for my crime – if I really did this thing – but could I expect everyone else to pay such a high price?
‘What about the development?’ I ask. ‘If they find her, then I’ll go to prison anyway. Surely it would be better to come clean before that happens. I could say my memory came back. I could change the story so that you and Nick aren’t involved. At least that way you’ll be around for the children.’ My heart almost stops at the thought of doing this, but I need to take responsibility.
‘No,’ Toby says. ‘Don’t worry about her body. I’ll sort it out.’
‘What?!’ My mind jumps ahead to what he could possibly mean, and I don’t like what I’m imagining.
‘You don’t need to even think about it, Zo.’
‘How can Inot?’ This is all too much to take in right now. Everything is crowding into my brain and filling it up until I can’t make sense of anything anymore. I stare down at the table, my eyes unfocused, my mind in freefall. Until suddenly it comes to an abrupt halt. ‘Why did you keep it from me, Toby? All these years you hid the truth.’
He finally stops pacing and comes to a stop in front of me. ‘I was trying to protect you, Zoe. Your memory was obviously suppressing everything, so I decided there would be no benefit to bringing you so much pain. And the truth is, I was scared. I didn’t know how to tell you such an awful thing.’
I stare up at my husband. ‘I feel… I feel like I’ve ruined your life. Yours and Nick’s.’
‘No, you haven’t.’ He takes my hand and kisses it. ‘I think it would have been worse if you’d remembered. How could we have got married and lived a happy life together both knowing what had happened on our wedding day? It was easier for me to try to forget about it. To bury it. And anyway, you saved my life. If you hadn’t acted Dina might’ve slit my throat.’
‘What about poor Nick?’
Toby sighs and shrugs. ‘He’ll be okay. Once he sobers up. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.’
I lay my head on the table for a moment, needing to process everything, yet still unable to believe my little sister is dead. That I killed her. For all her faults, I would never have wished this fate on her. As I close my eyes, I cast my mind back to the hours leading up to the wedding, but all I seem to recall is that overwhelming fuzzy sensation I had throughout the day, after I ‘fainted’.
And then, like an express train slamming into me, I experience a sharp fragment of memory. A snapshot of Dina screaming at Toby, wild-eyed and violent. I sit up and hold myself very still, trying to keep hold of the memory, yet at the same time, terrified to let my mind go back there.
‘Zoe, what is it?’
I place my palms flat on the table. ‘I think my memory might be coming back.’
‘Really?’ His eyes widen. ‘What do you remember?’
‘Nothing much, just Dina shouting at you, calling you a bastard.’
‘Can you remember anything else, anything at all?’ He crouches in front of me, staring so hard that I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.
‘No, there’s nothing else, that’s it. I’m trying to remember more, but it’s all so hazy.’
He finally looks away, stands and runs a hand over his head. ‘Maybe now would be a good time for you to remember more. Then you’d realise how traumatic it all was. Not that I want you to suffer the trauma. I just want you to understand what it was like. To know that we acted in your best interests.’
‘It’s all such a shock. I still can’t believe it. Maybe the rest of my memories will follow. But I think part of me is too scared to remember.’
‘That’s natural. It’s not exactly something you want to think about.’
‘That flashback, it was so vivid. Like I was there. Maybe I’ll have more. Maybe it’s because I’m back here in this hotel. Or maybe hearing you talk about what happened that day has triggered something in my brain.’
Toby nods thoughtfully. ‘I think we should probably both try to get some sleep. Talk about it some more tomorrow.’
I close my eyes for a moment. ‘My head’s throbbing. Toby, I don’t feel well at all.’
‘I’ll get you some paracetamol.’
I open my eyes and get to my feet, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I put the heel of my hand to my forehead and press against the skin as though rubbing my mind clean of everything I’ve learned. My sister is gone. She’s dead. I killed her.
‘Please,’ I whisper.
‘What?’ Toby asks. ‘What do you want? I’ll get you those painkillers.’
I grab his arm. ‘No. Please tell me it isn’t true.’ I feel the weight of his revelation push against my chest and harden in my gut. ‘Tell me it’s all a lie. That I didn’t… do it.’