‘Of course,’ I reply. ‘Although I’m not sure I’ll be the greatest company.’
‘That’s fine. We can just eat and relax.’
‘Sorry you had to come out here to get me,’ Laurence says to Fran.
She gives him a reassuring smile. ‘It’s only up the road. I wasn’t sure what to do.’
‘You did the right thing. Okay, I’m going to head off. You two enjoy your lunch.’
Laurence leaves and I can’t help feeling a bit awkward. I haven’t seen Francesca since the wedding and I’m not sure how much she knows about what happened. Added to that, my brain is like mush, having just laid my emotions bare.
She slides into Laurence’s seat and starts tucking into his chips. I make a start on my salad, surprised at how hungry I am. As I eat, my mental energy starts to perk up a little. I sip my sparkling water and take a few calming breaths.
‘Hope it all went well today with Laurence,’ she says. I like the way she doesn’t do a head-tilt and sound all pitying and concerned. Maybe that’s because she’s suffered from anxiety in the past and knows how to act around people who have it.
‘Yeah, it was really helpful thanks. He’s a good listener.’
‘He is,’ she agrees. ‘Sorry about the wedding. How are you doing?’
‘Pretty awful, but I’m hoping things will become clearer with time.’
‘I’m sure they will,’ she says. ‘And you have lots of support,’ she adds. ‘Friends who care about you – me included!’
‘Thanks, Fran. That means a lot. It’s just ... my whole life feels like it’s fallen off a cliff. I was about to spend the rest of my life with someone, and now I don’t recognise him. I don’t even want to be in the same room as him.’
Fran stops eating and fixes me with her warm hazel eyes. ‘I can’t imagine what that’s like.’
I shrug. ‘It’s ... shit, basically.’ I give a bitter laugh.
‘Yeah. Sounds like it.’
‘I mean, imagine if you woke up one morning and you didn’t recognise Laurence, but all his friends and family said itwashim. What would you do?’
She shakes her head and shudders. ‘That actually sounds terrifying.’
I press my hand to my chest, trying to ease the anxious thump of my heart.
‘You don’t think ...’ She tails off. ‘No, never mind.’
‘No. Go on. Say what you were going to say.’
‘I hope I’m not speaking out of turn, but you don’t think that maybe this was a subconscious act? A kind of defence mechanism.’
‘What do you mean?’ I think I know where she’s going with this, and I don’t think I like it.
She sets down her cutlery for a moment and rests her chin on her hands. ‘That maybe you didn’t want to go through with the wedding. It could have been your brain’s way of telling you not to marry him.’
I can hardly believe what she’s just said.
Francesca flushes. ‘You know what, forget I said that. I heard it out loud and it sounded really terrible. I’m sorry. I must still be a bit stressed from earlier, with Laurence’s client.’
‘No, it’s fine. I’m glad you spoke your mind. I might not agree with what you said, but I don’t want people tiptoeing around me. I appreciate you having lunch and spending time with me. I’ve been a bit reclusive since it happened.’
‘I’m not surprised. It must have been such a shock.’
In my head, I can’t help wondering if perhaps, on some level, Fran might be right. Was it my subconscious somehow sabotaging my relationship? Was there something about Seth that made me create this scenario to get me out of marrying him? But I never thought of myself as the sort of person to shy away from saying what needs to be said. I think about my dad and how I’m always trying and failing to please him. Did I do the same with Seth? Is he anything like my dad? I don’t think so, but I can’t be sure. Everything feels so fuzzy when I think about Seth.
‘Are you okay, Alice?’