I open my mouth to say something, but I can’t formulate the words. This is all too much to take in.
‘It’s always been you, Alice.’
I exhale and my pulse begins to race. I’m totally shocked by his declaration. Blindsided. All I can think about is how Seth told me he didn’t believe that Laurence and I could just be friends. That there’s no such thing as a purely platonic friendship between a straight man and woman. That there’s always going to be an element of sexual tension. I dismissed Seth’s words with a curl of my lip, but now here’s Laurence to prove me wrong.
His throat bobs. ‘When I heard you were going to marry Seth, I felt like the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I always thought that somehow we’d end up together. That we were meant to be. I know how corny that sounds ...’
I stand on wobbly legs and walk over to the lounge window, looking out at the cars driving past. At the people going about their day, oblivious to my turmoil. I feel so weird about this. Laurence is my best friend and now he’s telling me about this huge secret that he’s been carrying around. A confession that changes everything. How did I never suspect? Never see it? ‘Why didn’t you say anything before?’ I ask, turning back to face him. Looking at him in a whole new way that’s quite unnerving.
He rubs his stubbled jaw with two fingers. ‘I guess ... I didn’t want to risk losing our friendship. You know, I counsel all these clients to be true to their feelings. To be honest with themselves and work through their issues in order to live their best lives. But I haven’t taken my own advice. I’m a hypocrite. The truth is, for years I’ve been too scared to tell you how I feel.’
‘Years?’ I suddenly remember that Laurence has a long-term girlfriend. Someone who loves him. Who’s talked about marrying him one day. She’s also my friend. What’s going to happen now? My stomach tightens at the thought of the potential fallout from this. ‘What about Francesca?’ I ask.
‘I know.’ He shakes his head. ‘She doesn’t deserve this. She’s lovely, and sweet and hasn’t done anything wrong. I love her, I do. I’m just notinlove with her.’
I don’t reply. Unable to think of anything good to say.
‘We met at uni,’ Laurence continues, ‘and our relationship started out as fun. But, over the years, it’s become more habit than anything else. And, ever since your engagement, it’s become so clear to me that she and I aren’t right for each other. I’m going to end things with her whatever happens ... with us.’
Laurence comes over and takes both my hands in his. I can’t ignore the current that sparks along my skin. But is it caused by shock, or is it something more? He gazes into my eyes and I’m terrified that he might be about to kiss me.
‘I know I shouldn’t say this,’ he says softly, ‘but I was so thankful that you never went through with the wedding. That you’re no longer with Seth. It was like a sign. A second chance.’
I blink and try to get hold of my emotions. Try to work out what all this means. How it will change things. Because how can I be myself around him now? I can’t lose my friend. I need him too much right now. If I lost Laurence on top of everything else, I don’t know what I’d do.
‘I’m sorry, Laurence. I can’t do this.’ I take my hands away from his, and I break our gaze.
The colour drains from his face. He hugs himself and then lets his arms drop to his sides. He nods. ‘It’s fine. I understand.’
‘No. It’s just. I can’t. It’s too much. I need your friendship right now. More than anything else.’
‘You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’ He rubs his arm. ‘I’m an idiot. I should go, right?’
I nod. ‘Maybe. Yes. I think that’s best.’
Although, as I’m saying it, I realise that I absolutelydon’twant him to go.
I want him to stay.
Chapter Thirty-One
THEN
‘I can’t believe I’m getting married tomorrow!’ I gaze around the table at my friends, grateful that Daisy, Martin, Laurence and Francesca are here with me on my last ever night at the flat. We’ve ordered a Chinese takeaway and have spread all the cartons out on the table so we can have a pick and mix. ‘Don’t let me eat any more. I have to fit into my dress. I don’t want to be bloated.’ I gaze at my empty plate regretfully. ‘Maybe just one more spring roll.’
The windows are all wide open as we’re having a bit of a heatwave this week. At least that means sunshine tomorrow – every bride’s dream. Well, either that or snow, like Elizabeth’s wedding.
‘How are you feeling?’ Daisy asks, spooning more rice on to her plate.
‘Weird,’ I reply with a nervous smile. ‘Excited, but also kind of terrified.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ she replies. ‘I wonder how Seth’s doing.’
‘He’s staying at the cottage with his parents tonight,’ I reply, imagining him there having a lovely, relaxed evening. I bet they’re having dinner in the garden. His parents will have made some lavish Mediterranean salad, or maybe they’ll be having a posh barbecue. I suddenly have an irrational fear that they’ll have invited their neighbours round, including Sienna Doyle’s parents, and she’ll just happen to be staying theretonight, so she’ll show up too. And Seth will realise he’s made a horrible mistake getting engaged to me and decide he really loves Sienna.
‘Have you spoken to him today?’ Francesca asks.
‘What?’ She jolts me out of my worst-case-scenario daydream. ‘Oh, yes, we had a quick WhatsApp chat earlier, but decided not to talk in case it’s bad luck or something.’