The next houris the small group of us as the rest of the agents clear out, going over everything that has happened and all the little love notes the Joker has been leaving Harper. The rest ofmy sideof the table agrees that for the enemy to have gotten this far, someone in the club is either the Jester themselves, or at the very least, helping them frame Harper. Harper never believed the break-in to her office was a coincidence, and the more we talk it out as a group, the more I’m convinced she was right. We still don’t know the real reason behind it though. Nothing appeared to have been taken, so we either didn’t notice what was changed, or I interrupted them before they could complete their task.
I listen to it all laid out, my team nodding along at the information passed from Harper like a checklist, her account of past events confirming the information they already have. Because of me. Each tilt of my boss’s head in confirmation is another nail in my coffin, exposing my every act of treason againstCirque. Against Harper.
I’m on the wrong side of the table.
I look between the two sides of the same coin, unsure how Ican convince Anders that I’m not compromised in my duties when I can’t convince myself. I couldn’t convince James, who wanted to pull me out basically as soon as I was in, apparently seeing what I never wanted to acknowledge. I was lost from the start.
I had no idea what this assignment would do to me. I was so sure of my purpose, what my job was. Lead by my own righteous indignation, I have never questioned the things I’ve done to get answers, to get to the truth. We are saving lives, cleaning up the streets, stopping drug rings from growing and taking over families and neighborhoods. I have never regretted any lie I’ve ever told, any web spun to achieve my goal.The end justifies the means.
Then Harperfinallyturns her head in my direction, reluctant and slow, painful in her awareness of my presence, and I feel that surge of regret. It’s the same feeling I’ve had every time I met James for a check in, the reason I’ve been avoiding his calls and giving perfunctory answers that offer minimal insight. Suddenly all those reasons, in their infinite wisdom, couldn’t compete with lying to the woman I loved.
“No, I didn’t exactly have time to tell the rest of the staff about theratproblem.” Clearly, I missed some part of the conversation while I was busy rethinking every decision I’ve made in the last four months.
I know I should be insulted, but I can’t seem to care because she’slooking at me. I feel something loosen in my chest, like her scowl is the warmest ray of sunshine, lighting me up.
“So, whodoesknow that Colton is one of us, an undercover agent?” asks Anders, the constipated look a sign that he’s thinking some new plan through.
Harper sits back in her chair, gaze trained on my own, “Just the three of us.”
“Good, then we can keep Agent Graves in his role,” Andersdeclares. And despite the announcement leaving no room for argument, Sadie is keen to give it a shot, anyway.
“No,” she crosses her arms.
“I’m sorry, do you not want to aid the DEA in determining who fromCirqueis aiding or leading this operation?” He looks from Sadie to Harper, laying on the implications of denying aid on thick. “I was under the impression we wanted the same thing. Was I wrong?”
Sadie and Wade aren’t sparing me a glance as they wait for Harper’s response, knowing that this decision, ultimately, will be her call.
She hasn’t broken eye contact with me, but unlike her standoff with Anders, this isn’t a game of chicken. This is a battle of wills for Harper and Harper alone. Her desire to keepCirquein the good graces with a federal agency at war with her distaste for me being in her home.
“Fine, he can stay. He didn’t get what he wanted from his firstmark. Hopefully, he has better success moving forward,” she answers before steering the conversation along to next steps and contact plans.
How easily she’s forgotten a promise made just a few hours ago. I got everything I could ever want. And I plan to keep it.
32
HARPER
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
As far as new mantras go, it could be worse. It’s all-encompassing and gets the point across in a clear delivery. The only thing missing is smacking my forehead with each word to make sure the message burrows into my brain.
Unfortunately, I look pathetic enough perched on this stool, I think bodily harm would send the rest of Gus’s patrons running for the hills.
After my mind replayed the moment my life imploded for the fiftieth time, I decided I needed something to make the loop in my head stop. Now instead of a movie, it’s just me running through a list of all the signs I missed.There are so fucking many.
“I mean hetoldme he wasn’t as innocent as I thought he was, that he had his own demons, right? I mean hetoldddme!” I say to the stranger next to me as he struggles to stand from the stool without toppling over. He doesn’t answer, just looks through me like he can’t tell if I said anything or if he’s hearing things.
All for the better, no one needs to hear this bullshit rightnow. I wish I didn’t have to hear this bullshit right now. Maybe this is the moment to buy an island and say fuck it. How much is an island? Or maybe a cabin in the woods in some remote snowy location? Colton hates the cold.
A deep grumble stirs me awake before a thick arm wraps around my middle and tugs, dragging me to the center of the massive bed. Colton nuzzles into my neck, my back flush with his chest, every contour of my body filled by him.
“You fit perfectly, Sunshine,” he rumbles in my ear, snaking an arm under my side between me and the mattress to join the other already wrapped around my midsection, pinning my arms down in the process.
He pulls tighter and before I can register his plans, he strikes, burrowing his freezing toes between my legs, reaching as close to my locked thighs as he can.
I let out a yelp at the frigid contact that has him howling with laughter into my hair.
“You tricked me. Pretending to be all affectionate just to use me for warmth!” I keen at him, my voice pitched high as the cold seeps into my body.