Because if Nee could do what she had to do, then maybe I wasn’t a terrible person after all. Nee certainly wasn’t. She was the kindest, strongest, most loving woman. She wasn’t just one thing. She wasn’t defined by a base instinct.
Neither was I.
“It takes time,” she whispered reassuringly. “It takes time, but you’ll get through this.”
“Are you safe?” I asked. “I know you can’t give me details.” There was no doubt in my mind that Ramsay had worked inintelligence in a previous life. “But are you and Ramsay safe now?”
“From that threat? Yes. Are we safe in our relationship? Yes, we make each other feel safe. Safe in our friendships. Yes, we have friends we trust with our lives. But safe from the world?” Her voice gentled. “No one is ever truly safe in this world. Bad things happen. It’s scary, but it’s true. That doesn’t mean we sit aroundwaitingfor the bad things to happen and forget to live. We must live, or what’s the point to any of this?” She gestured around us. “We have so much to live for. Horrible shit has happened to us both, I know that. Yet, I still feel lucky. I feel lucky that I met you in the ninth grade. I feel lucky that my Scottish blood brought me back here and I found this place and fell more in love with a man than I knew was possible. I feel so lucky that my best friend came to live here with me and that she found a good man who worships the ground she walks on.”
“Are you just trying to empty my tear ducts?” I sobbed on a laugh.
“No. I’m making sure you don’t get so caught up in waiting for the other shoe to drop that you forget to just be in love and enjoy your life.”
Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I squeezed my eyes closed because I might not have had the perfect childhood or the kind of parents who knew if your ex tried to kidnap you, but I had that thing I think we all looked for.
Other people, other souls who recognized ours. Who saw us. Deep inside.
And loved us … because we saw them too.
“What did she say?” Murray asked, amazed by whatever transformation he witnessed in me as we waved goodbye to Nee from the side of the house.
“I can’t say.” I squeezed his hand. “It was her secret to tell.”
My husband was not offended. “Of course. But it helped? Whatever it was, it helped?”
“She reminded me why I did what I did. She showed me by example that I’m going to be okay.We’regoing to be okay.”
Relief flooded Murray’s expression as he drew me into a tight hug, so choked up he couldn’t speak. I loved this man with everything that existed within me.
“I’m sorry. For everything.” I clung tight to him.
“Please stop apologizing,” he whispered hoarsely. “I’m just glad we’re all here, we’re all alive. Now we need to start living, eh?”
Pulling back, I nodded. “Is Kelly still in her room?”
“Aye.” The light in his eyes dimmed. “I can’t seem to find the right words for her.”
“Let me try.”
A minute later, I stood alone outside Kelly’s bedroom, waiting for her to respond to my knock. When no response came, I turned the door handle and walked in.
I ached to find her sitting on the end of her bed, hands braced at her sides, staring at the wall by the door. She was still in her pajamas, her blond hair tangled around her shoulders, cheeks pale.
Her gaze flicked to me, and it was scarily blank. “I didn’t say come in.”
“I know, and I’ll ask your forgiveness later.” Frowning, I stepped through the clutter on her floor. The room was a mess and totally unlike her. Murray had once told me that Jill was untidy, but Kelly was more like him. She liked organization and having a place for all her things.
The bedroom was also stuffy and starting to smell a little.
Ignoring her small noise of protest, I hurried over to the large picture window that faced out onto the back of the property and pushed it open. There wasn’t much of a breeze, but anything would do.
Kelly continued to stare at her wall, though her body was tense with my presence. Tentatively, I sat down next to her on the bed.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shrugged.