“It’s trust, it’s vulnerability, and it’s something you’ve already subconsciously been doing for a while. You’ve just been lost in your head and haven’t realized it.”
“Wh—what do you mean?”
“You haven’t mentioned Jude and his Boys. Do they not play into your fears?”
I shake my head. “I…Jude is the perfect Dom. I know he’d do what’s best for him, Antonio, and the twins. But…Antonio is already mine. I claimed him when he and Marcus got chased off the road. I just… Fuck! I never explained things to him, but for me, what Jude had has always been mine.”
Connor nods. “Maybe you should explain that to them? I’m sure the four of them could help reassure you they’re not going anywhere, and it might bring you all closer if they knew they had not only your protection, but also your blessing.”
Guilt swirls inside me, and it almost comes out, as nausea rises, the back of my throat tasting like bile. “Fuck, I’m such a failure. Antonio and the twins, Ignacio, Allesandro… Hell, even fucking Lio…they’ve all touched something of mine, captured parts of my lovers’ hearts, and I failed to make them feel welcome.”
“You’re a man who’s been pulled in many different directions the past handful of months, and someone who’s been deeply traumatized. I don’t see that as failure, but a need to survive and only handle the things that were easy. It’s why I have been muchmore patient than Javi when it comes to your therapy. I knew it was only a matter of time, that you needed to hit your rock bottom before you could truly embrace letting me in.”
I grimace.Fucking know-it-all therapist.But…he’s not wrong. And it makes me trust Connor a little more, knowing he’s not afraid to be blunt with me.
“Partners, right?” I ask him. “You and I are in this together?”
He nods. “Yes, I’m your partner in this. I won’t sugarcoat anything. It’s going to be very difficult, especially as we try different techniques and methods to find the best form of care and type of therapy for you, but you’re not alone. Just like you’re not alone when you make amends with your polycule.
“I can be right by your side, if you need me to be. And if you’d rather I stay out of that part, I can help you figure out how to apologize, how to bring them into your fold completely without feeling as if you’re giving up pieces of yourself.”
I let out a shaky breath. “That’s what happened with Benjamin. I so desperately wanted to give Tennant what he asked for, and I leaned too hard, first one way and then the other. I’m not sure Benjamin will ever trust me again.”
“You’re both in therapy now, both discovering how to manage yourselves and being given the necessary space to learn where you fit. I could write you a recommendation to see Marshall, if you would like someone there, but the ball is in your court, Hollis.”
Every time he says my name, little pieces of myself start sewing themselves back together. The name H picked didn’t feel like my own, not at first, and over time, I tried to be that person. I learned to love who I was becoming. Until it all came crashing down around me because a hurt Boy who I so fucking don’t deserve stood up to me and made me realize what’s important.
Hollis.
Hol.
Tesoro.
Tesorino.
Amante.
Sir.
Everything I’ve been called since I shed the boy I was…but even Dayton is there too. The loss of him is something I’m realizing I never got over.
When I look at Connor, his controlled expression gives nothing away, though the calm, commanding aura he has draws me in all the same. He’s promising to walk beside me as I bleed myself dry, and for once, the thought doesn’t immediately make me panic.
“It’s going to hurt.”
He nods. “Yes. You’ll take two steps forward only to find yourself moving one back, but that doesn’t make you a failure. It simply means you’re doing the best you can.
“There are days you’re going to hate me, hate Javi, hate everything about this process. You’re going to want to quit, but I promise you, Hollis, if you stick with it, through the good and the bad, I will never leave your side. You’ll be doing the heavy lifting, but you won’t ever be alone.”
Taking a stuttering breath, I manage to nod. “Okay. Then…let’s do this. I want to be the person Ten, Roman, Jude, Emilio, Benjamin, and even Allesandro once believed I was. For them, and for myself. I…” I close my eyes and place my hand over my wrist, covering my scars. “I want to discover what it’s like to live without this,” I lift my arm up, squeezing my hand around myself until it hurts, “dictating everything.”
“I’m in this if you are.”
I smile a little. “Just don’t try to fucking Daddy me.”
He laughs. “I make no promises, but don’t worry, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to… There might just be some tough love every now and then.”
I glance at him, rolling my eyes at the knowing look on his face.Fucking Daddies…“Whatever, you have full permission to kick my ass whenever I need it. Just…don’t be surprised if I fight back.”