“Because this is your reality, right?” He smiles warmly. “I wanted a piece of your reality with me.”
Conner goes to the computer propped on the L-shaped desk, stacked with art books, folders, and a pencil case. I move towards him when I notice the blotches of paint staining the floorboards. I smile at the sight, realising that he draws in here. He is messy. An artist at work.
He fires up the computer, goes into Spotify, and scrolls through the songs when I notice one of his playlists. My eyes widen, and my mouth is dry at my name displayed on the side. “Um… did you make that playlist?” I ask.
“That’s yours,” he answers. “You should put your Spotify on private if you don’t want me to peek into the life of Noya Dawn Taylor.”
My breaths come out a lot harsher. All my songs. All my dark, torturous songs are a piece of my soul. He’s been listening to them this entire time and… and…
“It brought me closer to you,” he says. “There’s one that resonates with me. Well, three, but here, this one first.” Heenters my Spotify, and I internalise my scream at the songs he scrolls past. “Here. ‘Darkness in Me’ by Fight the Fade.”
My throat tightens at the song I’ve been listening to recently, repeatedly, since meeting Conner.
He raises his hand and says, “Dance with me.”
“I’ve… what?”
“Here,” he whispers, taking hold of my waist and pulling me to him. My body presses against his, and we move around in circles. “Place your hands on my shoulders as if you’re going to kiss me.”
I blush but raise my arms, locking my hands behind his head. His hands rest on my hips, and I step when he steps. His hazel eyes are soft and adoring. He sings the lyrics, soft, slow, and alluring. I lean in, rest my head on his chest, and close my eyes while we dance.
After the song finishes, he goes over to the Spotify list. He reaches for me, dragging me onto his lap while scouring my Spotify.
“Here’s the second,” he announces, playing “Human” by Krewella.
I press my lips inwards while listening to the lyrics.
“I remember you told me Andy was never there when you needed him, and that’s when your feelings for him faded. When I listen to this song, I see you thinking of Andy and how he failed you as a friend in some ways.”
“It’s just a song,” I whisper.
“I know when you’re lying,” he responds, scrolling through the playlist more. “Even when I’m not looking at you.”
I sigh, “You’re right. What’s the last song, then?”
“This one is the darkest of the three, even if the song is a little more upbeat.” He hovers over a song, and my heart feels like it rips out of my chest. “‘Bad Child’ by Tones and I,” hedeclares. “Now, I’ve listened to this song on repeat. And from our conversation Monday, it makes sense.”
‘It feels like you’re airing my dirty laundry,” I say, laughing bitterly.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, there’s a song I repeat when my parents don’t understand why I don’t want to go to university. Did you want me to air out my dirty laundry, too?”
“I think that will make me feel better,” I whisper.
He breathes a laugh and kisses my shoulder before returning to his playlist. “‘Things Are Gonna Get Better’ by NEFFEX,” he announces.
We sit there for twenty minutes, pointing out songs and discussing their meaning in our lives. The more Conner speaks, the more I feel comfortable expressing parts of my childhood through the songs on my playlist.
40
AWKWARD
A light tapcomes to the bedroom door. I rise from the bed, leaning away from Conner’s touch.
“Can I come in?” Conner’s dad asks.
“Yeah, Dad,” Conner calls.
The door opens, and he peeks inside cautiously. When he notices we are distant from each other, he steps in, looking much more comfortable. “Afternoon tea is ready.”