A few seconds later, the phone vibrates. Conner’s name appears on the screen.
Conner: Maybe I can show you at school on Monday?
Me: Yes, please.
A car drives past. My heart swells in my throat for a moment, thinking it’s Dad trying to find me. Yet, I doubt he will leave home again. He is too intoxicated. He will wait until I return.
I hope he calms down enough for me to survive whatever the hell he has in store for me by the time I enter my house.
The phone vibrates again.
Conner: What are you doing up so late?
Me: Can’t sleep. You?
I’m not lying. But I am withholding some truth from him because I can’t sleep, and I don’t think I can sleep tonight. I’ll stay here for the night, sitting at the bus stop until the bus comes. Then I’ll walk home, face the music, and maybe… maybe check on Mum.
My phone vibrates in my hand. A slight smile plays along my lips before I slide the phone up, revealing the text message.
Conner: Thinking of a girl I got to know two days ago.
Me: Yeah?
Conner: Yeah. She’s kind of shy and doesn’t talk much unless she asks about someone else. Never herself. But if you persist, you get to know how amazing, kind, and funny she can be.
My phone keeps vibrating as the floodgates of messages come through.
Conner (two seconds later): It’s rare to see her smile, but it reminds me of an orange sunset when she does. It’s warm, soft, and inviting.
Conner (again): She covers her mouth with her hand when talking with her mouth full or laughing.
Conner: She played D&D and liked it. I think she’s worth it.
When I am about to reply to the first message, my phone vibrates again.
Conner: That girl is you.
I smile.
Me: I know, Conner.
He replies with a goodnight after that, and my smile fades when I realise I am alone again. It shouldn’t bother me. I have been alone my entire life. But I imagine reaching for the sun, grasping it from time to time, and nearly having it within my control when the rain pours.
The sun fades, sizzling out, leaving nothing but a black ball hovering in the palm of my hand. That is what I imagine it’s like talking to Conner, and when Conner goes, I’m alone again, saving myself.
15
HOME BITTER HOME
Graphic Scene
I catchsight of the bus from down the street. As I rise, I grab my phone and make my way across the road before the bus enters the bus stop. I make my way down the path, but my feet are heavy, and my legs have a strained feeling to them.
If anything, I expected a missed call from Mum and Dad. There’s nothing, and that seems to stir a sickening feeling inside me more than them blowing up my phone.
I had never run before. I always stood on what little ground I had and copped the beatings. And here I am, making my way back to hell barefoot (metaphorically speaking).
My home comes into focus. The car is still there. I stop walking, and my breath turns rapid, and my throat dries from the pent-up fear consuming me.