“Why? What do you mean?” I ask.
“Some girls are already flashing their stomachs to prove it,” he replies. “No bruises, not them.”
“See!” Julien slaps Mark on the shoulder. “That’s why I think it’s Emma. She always wears daggy clothes and barely shows any skin.”
“True,” Mark muses.
“Maybe we should get someone to lift her jumper and see?”
“Dude, lay off,” Samantha snaps. “Fucking leave it alone.”
They roll their eyes and turn back around after the teacher clears her throat.
The bell rings,and I place my English book in my bag and head out with Samantha. As we walk, giggles and whispered conversations surround me. They are all on their phones, showing others my darkest secret to the entire school.
I feel violated. More violated than Andy forcing himself on me, and that’s telling.
“Um, I’ll see you soon. I really need to go to the toilet,” I tell Samantha.
“Did you want me to come?”
“No,” I say and force a smile. “Can you tell Conner I’ll be there soon?”
“Sure! See you in a bit.”
I walk across the open area where everyone huddles around the cafeteria. I bypass someone in the year below me who is actively showing their group of guy friends the photo, sniggering, which causes the bile to rise.
As I reach the toilets, I enter the first available one, open the lid and throw up. Wretched, choking gasps come out, and my entire body trembles. I can’t stay still, shaking and hyperventilating against the wall after emptying my stomach.
“Fuck,” I choke through heaving gasps. “Fucking hell. What do I do? I don’t want to go out there!” I drag my hands through my hair, and the tears slip down my cheeks. My legs buckle and weaken, and my chest rises and falls so fast, and my breath can’t keep up. “I don’t know what to do,” I sob.
They saw me. Everyone saw me. They’re laughing at me. Samantha finds my body repulsive and disturbing. The guys in school are violating my body…
Why? How? Who took the photo? Why was I so stupid and had a shower naked instead of wearing swimmers or something?
Why am I so stupid!?
They’re going to find out. You heard what Mark said. Girls are already showing everyone their stomachs to prove they aren’t the ones in the photo. Soon enough, I’ll be the last one left, and then everyone will know it’s me, and…
What do I do? What do I say?
I wrap my arms around my stomach and bow my head onto my knees.
Noya, you’re going to get up and leave the toilets and pretend nothing is wrong, okay? No one will know it’s you yet…but the more you hide in here, the more people are going to figure it out. Pretend as if nothing is wrong.
I take a deep breath, inhaling the bleach-scented air, and then exhale. I do it a few times until my breathing calms down, and I feel as if I will not vomit or cry.
I can do this…hopefully.
34
SICK
I leavethe bathroom with the sickness weakening, but it still lingers.
Someone exposed my nudes throughout the school, and I’m thinking about transferring schools on the other side of the world and hiding there until I fade away in silence.
“Hey, Noya,” Conner purrs as his arms wrap around my waist.