She gazed up at him with those soulful hazel eyes. “Does it hurt?”
Vesper shook his head. She didn’t need to know how it ached when he sobered. Luckily, right now, his buzz kept the pain at bay.
She brought his hand up to her lips and brushed a kiss over each knuckle. The tiny act of affection tugged at the unnamed need swollen inside him, but wasn’t enough to soothe it.
“That’s too bad.” She smiled up at him. “If it did, I could take your mind off the pain.”
Abruptly, he sat up and propped himself against the wall. As he tugged a hand through his hair, he chuckled, but it was hollow. Eager to steer the conversation away, he eyed the red duvet with a strange fuzz woven into the fabric, and observed, “New quilt?”
“It arrived a week or so ago. From the north, I think.” Likely noticing the darkness beneath his eyes, Nef’s gaze softened. “Are you okay? You seem … off.”
“I’m fine. I’ve been a little busy lately.”
That was a bloody understatement. Each day Ellynne’s restoration had encountered a whirlwind of problems, and he’d been ripping his hair out, not exactly equipped to deal with them in his drunken stupor.
A dramatic, sultry pout shaped her mouth. “What am I supposed to do in your absence?”
Vesper lifted a brow. “You don’t just wait around for me, do you?”
“Master Ottai doesn’t let us go out, so I sit in my room most days.” Nef’s mouth twisted to the side, her gaze fixed on the window like she could taste the freedom if she stared hard enough.
He scrubbed a hand down his face. As much as he didn’t want her trapped in the Palace, a part of him breathed a sigh of relief that her Master had kept his word and he remained her only client. Though he suspected the mountain of slate he’d thrown down was the reason. It wasn’t freedom for her by any means, but it was something.
“When was the last time you left this room?” he asked.
As Nef hid her face in her shoulder and shrugged, it squeezed his heart. It was answer enough. Her breath hitched and she coughed into her shoulder, a hard, dry sound. She took a shaky breath and coughed again.
Vesper’s brows drew together as he patted her back. Shewasa little paler than usual today. “Are you sick?”
“Just a tickle. It's more of an annoyance than anything.” She cleared her throat. “Let’s continue.”
But when she leaned toward him, he said, “Actually, I was thinking.” He swallowed hard, feeling stupidly sheepish. “Is it okay if we just … talk?”
“You want tocuddle?” She huffed a laugh, but when she caught the firm press of his mouth, Nef frowned. “Oh, uhm, did I do something wrong? You haven’t been around for months and—” A deep sigh slipped between her lips. “Every time you’re here, you never want to touch me.”
How could he tell her the guilt was eating him alive? That he was trying and failing at so many things. He clutched the back of his neck and closed his eyes. “It’s not you.”
“Vesper, today I felt like I—I don’t know, had tocoerceyou.”
“Hey, no, that’s not it. Things have, well, they’ve changed.” And he didn’t know how to handle it yet.
Her bottom lip quivered and she bit down on it. Looked anywhere but at him. “You’re not leaving, are you? Because Ottai—he’s rather fond of your income. He wouldn’t be pleased if you left.”
“I’m not leaving. I’ll always look after you.” He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “I made a promise, remember? You know I care for you.” It had just never been inthatway. In this twisted sort of relationship, they had always been friends. “Can I hold you?” Gods, he sounded pathetic.
Nef nodded, then drew the quilt over herself and settled against his side. “If that’s what you want.”
She kissed his cheek and smiled. For a moment, she almost looked happy. Every part of him wanted to believe it, even for a fleeting moment.
Even if it stained his soul and tarnished his family values.
Even if this was all a twisted lie and a bloody disaster of a situation.
And even if he was so pathetically desperate, he had to buy this morsel of affection.
Hours later, Vesper lay face down on a bar counter in a sleazy tavern. He didn’t remember laying his head down, nor could he identify why the counter was so sticky against his cheek.
A tap on his arm roused him enough to crack open an eyelid. He squinted through the fucking bright light as he gained his bearings.