“It is what it is, or who he is, I should say. His true colors came to light under pressure.”
“And what about now? Do you talk to either of your parents?”
“Only my mom sometimes, but—how do I reconcile the level of betrayal? The secrets? My dad’s actions had repercussions for me far beyond what I can forget and or forgive. Yes, we only get one life, but it almost cost me mine.”
Bitterness was a heavy double-edged sword. It lingered like a weighted blanket, smothering you on contact, seeping into your bones, altering your headspace, but it also anchored my racing thoughts, gently nudging me to protect my space.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, knowing how harsh my words sounded.
“For what? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Lily.” Arizona moved closer to me on the couch and reached for my hand.
“It’s just.” I paused, my throat tightening as guilt clawed at my chest. “I know I must sound heartless.” My voice cracked as I tried to explain the shame I felt, even though I knew it was the right thing for me, but my words came out unsteady. “I basically cut my still-living parents out of my life and you—” I looked at Arizona, the ache in my chest doubling as her glossy eyes met mine. “You’d give anything to have your mom back.”
“I could never think that, I promise you. Not everyone has what it takes to be a parent. Parents are supposed to protect,teach, and guide their kids, not use them as pawns for their benefit.” She squeezed my hand. “Once trust is broken, it has to be earned back. Apologies aren’t free passes. Actions speak louder than words ever could, and when the people in your life keep treating you the same way, constantly hurting you for their gain, that’s where you need to draw the line. You say: Enough is enough and take a stand.”
I nodded. Feeling seen and having my feelings validated was a powerful feeling I wasn’t familiar with.
“Thank you.” My voice was thick with emotion as I leaned in and wrapped an arm around Arizona, clinging to her as if she were a lifeline. “Thank you for not judging me,” I murmured, my throat tightening again, but this time from the sheer relief of being understood. “And for being the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”
“I got you. Besties for life.”
I didn’t trust easily anymore. Arizona was my safe landing when I moved back. She didn’t push for details, just supported me as if I’d never left. So letting her into that dark, hidden corner of my life, one I’d been too ashamed to share, helped lift the weight I’d carried in silence for far too long. Her presence in my life had always been a comfort, even back when we were kids. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the way she understood and supported me without needing any explanation.
Back when my world turned upside down, my coping mechanism of moving forward and getting through the day had been to bury my feelings. It was a brutal life lesson that taught me to keep everything close to the chest. With no one I trusted enough to confide in, all that suppression weighed me down and lowered my energy while the same painful thoughts looped in a vicious, never-ending cycle until now.
The past, while a dark stain on my soul, seemed a lot less cumbersome since I’d stepped back in Sutton River. The air was lighter and welcoming.
Speaking my truth and opening up to both Jaxon and Arizona was empowering.
Freeing.
I pulled back and dropped my eyes to my hands, particularly eyeing the left one, determined now more than ever to grab a hold of the life I’d always dreamed of. Allowing myself permission to start over was liberating in the best way possible.
Heck, I’d jumped out of a freaking plane yesterday, so it was safe to say I was embracing this new life with my arms wide open. The memory of Jaxon in his element, eyes gleaming with excitement and pride, was something I never wanted to forget. His whole body vibrated with an unparalleled energy that fed my soul and lit something inside of me I thought I’d lost.
“Happiness looks really good on you, Lily.” Arizona’s voice made me laugh, since I could feel the blissful, carefree smile spreading across my face as I grinned from ear to ear.
“Honestly, it’s . . . surreal. There isn’t really another adequate way to describe this past month. There’s a part of me that wants someone to pinch me because I’ve got to be dreaming. But on the flip side, if anyone tried, I think I’d smack their hands away. I never want this feeling to end.”
“I don’t doubt it; it’s been a long time coming,” she said, reaching for a second slice of pizza from the box on the coffee table.
It made me happy to see her eating, knowing how rough her nausea had been the past few weeks. It was why I’d shown up earlier with a veggie pizza—Jameson’s suggestion—sans meat,thanks in part to her new aversion, as he, just like Jaxon, was on the night shift.
“Jaxon and me?”
“Yes, but more so living. There’s a vibrancy in your eyes that had been missing. Sure, you always put on a brave smile, but I could always tell there was a heaviness holding you back.”
She wasn’t wrong.
While I knew how important it was to get things off your chest, I also knew that unspoken thoughts had a way of festering and looping endlessly if you kept them bottled up.
And I believed that. I did.
But my ex, Aiden—that part of my past was a different beast.
Giving him any airtime felt like giving him power over me, the kind he didn’t deserve. He was nothing but an inconsequential blip in my life. A darkness that did the unthinkable, and I refused to let him have any kind of lingering hold on my life. Just the thought of his name on my tongue made my stomach twist from his vile betrayal, when I’d worked so hard to reclaim my dignity and rebuild the parts of me he’d tried to break.
“You’ve always been able to read me so well,” I said, speaking from my heart. “I wish I had been strong enough to move back here initially, but I was afraid. I needed some time—” Time to relearn how not to live in a constant state of fear, always looking over my shoulder. “Time to adjust to living on my own. I needed to be independent and prove to myself that I was strong enough. That’s not to say there weren’t good days where I thought I was foolishly avoiding the inevitable, then bad ones where my fears ate me alive. I’m just so thankful to be here now with you. I feel good about where I am in life—happy. I’m not sure when the last time was that I could say that with confidence.”