Lily went on. “This is your moment, Rona. Not to pressure you but to remind you. Enjoy it. Because you’ve earned this. Now go give those people the best fucking hour of their life!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Nell sang.
I gave Lily a hug, holding her so close, nuzzling my face into her neck. “You ignite something in me.”
“Told you,” Nell said.
“I mean, you did captain England for years and you are a motivational giant. You’ve got me all revved up now and I think Nell is about to burst with excitement. Thank you.”
“Happy to help. Now you guys go smash it.” Lily was still in the leader zone as she hugged me back like a fellow player about to get out on the pitch and kick some ass, arms up around my shoulders.
“I thought we were going to get some food first?” Nell said.
“Food first!” Lily led the way.
Nell and I followed her out of the artists’ tent.
I thought about being on stage in a few hours and for the first time, my hands didn’t shake.
***
I was on in sixty seconds. The crowd was packed so far back, I couldn’t believe it. The shake in my hand was back. It wasn’t that common to get a predominantly dance act to play at this slot. The crowd were showing that there was an appetite for this sort of music this high up the billing at a major festival, not just tucked away in an obscure tent with the ravers. Plus I was mixing melodies in with huge beats.
I walked onto the stage to a roaring cheer. The power of it nearly stopped me in my tracks. It went on and on so long, I had time to look at Nell and express my surprise to her.
She smiled back and ran her hands through her short hair as if to say, let’s get going.
Standing in the centre of the stage, I picked up my guitar and readied myself. There were no lyrics to my first song, only guitar chords. I’d written this as an introduction to the album, a mood setter, and people seemed to like it.
I played the first notes, as planned, which sent another huge cheer around the festival. I got goosebumps. My album had only been out for a short time yet so many people seemed to know it and love it already. They’d taken it to their hearts. All I wanted to do was connect with them and get out of my own head. I was on stage with a full crowd in front of me, looking at me, expecting me to perform.
Lily, Oscar, Jacob and Flavia were on the platform at the side of the stage. Vicky, Mathilde, Bouchra and Kaira were in the audience somewhere. I’d got everyone tickets and I couldn’t wait to spend time with everyone all together after the show, including Flavia, who had arrived at the last minute, still buzzing from her own set on another stage she’d just finished. She’d come straight over, saying that my set was going to be one of the highlights of the wholefestival and that she was so excited to see me do my own stuff. I appreciated it. All of their strength and support helped me so much and kept me grounded.
I finished my guitar solo to a huge cheer. It warmed me up but my neck and jaw were still tense. I was so exposed up here in a simple sleeveless t-shirt and jeans. I was comfortable in how I looked now but there was nothing star-like about me.
I played the next song and sang into the microphone at the right bits but inside, everything came flooding back: about the set not going well all those years ago, feeling so rejected, the online hate. How lost I’d felt. Everything I’d been through over the past ten years to get me back here and enjoying making music more than ever flashed across my mind, too.
Struggling to stay present, I was meant to address the crowd, but I couldn’t speak. I started the next track and Nell looked at me likewhat the fuck?
I played the song after that, perfectly, but inside I was spiralling. I loved the set I’d put together but even that couldn’t quell the tremors in my body.
I picked up the microphone as everything went quiet but nothing came out. I covered my face, wanting to cry or to bolt. I couldn’t even look at Nell.
The moment stretched on but in reality it was probably only ten seconds or so, during which time, the crowd cheered and it got so loud and deafening it permeated my wounded heart and allowed me to meet them, as who I was now, free from the bullshit of the past. I finally managed to say hello and the crowd went wild. The noise was deafening.
The wave of positive energy crashed over me. This wasn’t about their approval, but there was something healing about being able to show up here as who I actuallywas, rather than pretending to be someone else. This was about me finally sharing my music with the world while being my most authentic self, singing songs that meant so much to me and came from my heart.
I smiled, feeling more confident and secure up here by the second, and able to say what I needed to say.
“Thank you for being here. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. This stage, this festival, it’s an absolute dream. Thank you so so so soSOso much for all your support. I’ll try to calm myself down now so I can play for you.”
That got another roar from the crowd. My body was both numb and the most alive it’d felt in years, perhaps ever.
The next twenty minutes or so went by in a blur. Everything clicked into place and the music flew out of me.
I took a deep breath as one song ended, gazing into the crowd and letting the moment feel real for a second. Flags waved over the crowd as the sun started to give off the most luscious glow as it began its descent. “You look beautiful out there, Glastonbury!”
We got a cheer.