“I don’t regret it, Ma. I promise you I don’t.”
The months that it had been just the two of them, Justin quietly held things together, reliable as a Swiss timepiece.
“And I told everybody you weren’t ready to step out there. God, how did I miss all this? But the Aunties know?”
They nodded. “Mostly Auntie Deb,” Justin said, his words punctuating the unspoken understanding of Deb’s steadiness and secret keeping.
How could she be mad at the Aunties for making these efforts with her kids, for being so much of what they needed when she couldn’t give even minimal effort? Hadn’t she raged about no one being there for her back then? She should be doing a praise dance right now. So why was she paralyzed?
The doorbell chimed, breaking the spell.
Justin unfolded himself from the chaise and made his way to the front door. “DDT!” he said in enthusiastic greeting to Monique’s therapist as he opened the door.
“Jay-ley, my man! How’s the city’s best forward doing today?”
“Good, Doc. Real good.” They did that handshake-hug greeting that men do before Dr. Tedrow entered Monique’s home. “Taking it easy today.”
She excused herself to get dressed. One thing Monique could admit that she appreciated about Dr. Tedrow was how immense and personal his care was. He adopted everyone. Having come to the house for a couple of family sessions, he got to know the twins—well, Justin mostly—and had helped them find a new rhythm.
If she could respect what her counselor was doing, then why couldn’t she have a better response to her family’s involvement in her and her kids’ lives? She reentered the room several minutes later, smoothing her mourning dress over her hips. “I’m ready.”
“I think you should wear your wool trench,” Jasmine said, handing Monique a coat, hat, scarf, and gloves.
“That’s a good choice, Jazz,” Dr. Tedrow responded. “We’ll be on the lake, and the city is living up to its name this morning.”
Jasmine huffed a laugh at the dad-like joke and helped her mother into her coat.
“We’d better get going, Eleanor is in the car.” Dr Tedrow moved toward the door.
“No one else is coming?” Monique tensed. They were a support group. They were supposed to show up and support.
“Yeah, they’re coming. They just chose to make their way on their own. Eleanor is already in the car. With both of us in University Village, it just kinda made more sense for me to pick you up too.”
“But Hailey’s in Chinatown.”
“Hailey’s not feeling well and sends her regards.”
Thatnot feeling wellwas like a punch in the gut. Monique tried not to let it show.
“Hey…” Tedrow took her hand. “There’s nothing to worry about. She’s just got the sniffles.”
Telling her not to worry was like telling the stars not to twinkle. Sometimes light pollution made the stars hard to see, but they were always there.
“Y’all better get going,” Jasmine said, herding Monique and Dr. Tedrow to the front door.
“Hold on, the ladies were saying something about seeing pictures. Do you have those?” Dr. Tedrow asked Monique.
A funeral wasn’t the place to pass around vacation post cards, but Chickie had made her promise. Monique worked hard to keep her promises.
“My camera…” She hadn’t even thought about it since the island.
Justin had already bounded up the stairs to her bedroom, retrieved the camera from her suitcase, and rejoined them. “Here you go, Ma.”
She squinted her eyes at his always helpful self. “Thanks,” she replied flatly.
In the back seat of Tedrow’s Subaru on their way to Montrose Beach, Monique thumbed through photographs.
Sunrise reflection, Tedrow had said. A chance to honor Chickie before the temple service. Monique had agreed because what else could she say? But the thought of standing on a frozen beach at dawn, pretending to find meaning in ritual, made her want to scream.