My hands were trembling.And low in my body, in the quiet of the empty control room, I could feel the evidence that this discovery was not, in any way, unwelcome.
"What the hell?"I muttered."This can't be happening."
* * *
I called Jillian from the sidewalk, because I couldn't stay in that building one more second.
I'd walked out the side entrance and gotten half a block before my legs decided that was far enough, and now I was standing in the recessed doorway of a shuttered bodega on Tenth Avenue with my phone pressed to my ear and my forehead pressed to the cool metal of the security gate, looking, I was certain, like a man having a small public breakdown.Which I was.
"Something happened," I groaned.
"Define something."
"I was reviewing last night's broadcast.The playback.Watching it back for editorial notes, the way I do every day."
"Okay."
"And I—" I turned and put my back against the gate."I got turned on, Jillian.Jesus.Watching Nelson on a monitor in an empty control room.Like some kind of — I don't even know.It's completely unprofessional.Hell, it's fucking insane.I'm reviewing a broadcast and I'm sitting there getting flushed and short of breath because Nelson's voice on a recording did something to me that I can't—"
"Jimmy."
"What."
"Breathe."
I took a breath.It came out shaky.
"That's not all," I said."While I was watching, I noticed something.Nelson's body.On the monitor.Every time I gave him a direction through the earpiece — every time my voice was in his ear — his body reacted.A flush on his throat.A change in his breathing.His hand going to the water glass too fast.Small things, things nobody would notice unless they were looking for them.But I was looking, and Jillian, it happens every time.Every single time I speak into his earpiece, Nelson's body responds."
Silence.
"Jillian?"
"I'm here.I'm just — processing."A pause."Are you telling me that Nelson Mackenzie is physically reacting to your voice?On live television?"
"That's what I'm telling you."
"And you're physically reacting to him.While watching the playback."
"Yes."
"So both of you are—"
"Jillian, please don't finish that sentence."
She finished it anyway, because she was Jillian."Both of you are getting hot and bothered because of each other, which is very complicated and — oh hell, Jimmy."Jillian took a deep breath."Neither of you has said a word about it, right?"
"God, no!"
Jillian was quiet for a moment."Jimmy.I have to ask you something, and I need you to be straight with me.No deflecting, no 'I'm just recognizing Nelson's professional excellence.'"
I knew what was coming and pressed the phone harder against my ear.
"After all these years, are you still attracted to Nelson?"
"Yes," it spilled out."God help me, yes.I'm attracted to my anchor, who is also my ex, who I left thirteen years ago, who hates me, and whose body apparently reacts to the sound of my voice on live television.This is my fucking life now."
"Well," Jillian said."At least you're finally being honest with yourself."