I plant my hands on my hips, shaking my head. “The truth. That it’s always been her for me. That I haven’t been with anyone since her.”
“Oh.” Elias immediately loses the fight in him.
“Yeah.” I eye the door she disappeared through. “Oh.”
CHAPTER 33
EBBA
“Eb, please talk to us,”Sabrina’s voice reaches me from the other side of the bathroom stall.
“Oh, god,” I sob. “Why did you follow me? This is your wedding. You need to be with your husband.”
“I just gave him vows to be with him the rest of our lives. Right now, my best friend needs me. He can handle himself for a few minutes.”
That manages to pull a small laugh from me. “I’m okay, I promise.”
“Don’t lie to us.” Whimsy’s strappy silver heels appear beneath the door. “We can see through your bullshit.”
A sigh rattles through me. “You guys really didn’t need to check on me. I’m just busy freaking out and there isn’t much you can do.”
“Why don’t you come out here and talk to us?” Sabrina presses. “Like you said, itismy wedding, and I’d really rather talk to you face to face instead of through a door.”
I unlock the door and face the two of them. “Hi.”
“Hi,” they echo with smiles.
“Why are you freaking out?”
Whimsy’s question has me feeling even more ridiculous about my mini meltdown.
“Because”—I hope I don’t sound as hysterical to them, as I do to myself— “I gave Fisher a promise of six months and in my mind I was already dead set on divorce at the end of this. I didn’t think there was any possible way for me to ever move on and forgive him, but … He’sFisher. He’s so inherently good and right for me and talking to him again … it’s impossible to keep holding a grudge. And I … I guess I’m mad that he’s just so fucking easy to … to love. Not that I’m in love with him again, but I…” I press a hand to my head where I worry a migraine may be coming on. “It’s too fast,” I say.
“Or, maybe”—Sabrina reaches for my hands— “it’s just right. Maybe neither of you truly stopped loving each other.”
My eyes bounce between my two friends. “He said he hasn’t been with another woman since me and that—” I close my eyes, shaking my head. “It shouldn’t make me so relieved to hear that, but it does, and then I feel guilty because I dated and I certainly wasn’t celibate.”
“Hey.” Sabrina grabs my face gently. “You havenothingto feel guilty for. You both made your own decisions. You were trying to move on with your life.”
“I know, but?—”
“No buts,” she cuts me off. “And don’t overthink what you feel now. You two have history. It’s not impossible that you might develop feelings faster than normal.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to refute what she says, that I don’t have feelings for him, but we’d all know it was a lie. And it’s exhausting trying to convince myself I don’t care for him. “Stop stressing yourself out. Just enjoy the next few months and see where things take you.” She squeezes my shoulder in reassurance.
“Ebba.” Sabrina says my name in a soft tone, like I’m a deer she’s worried about startling. “You deserve to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you.”
I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for me to believe that I deserve to be happy. That if Fisher is what makes me happy then that’sokay.
“Listen,” Sabrina goes on, reaching down for my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m not trying to overstep, so please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think after what you told us last night that maybe you should think about seeing a therapist. I think there’s a lot you’re holding onto that you might feel more comfortable sharing with someone outside of us.”
My first emotion is anger—anger that she would suggest there’s something wrong enough with me that I need therapy. The second is fear—that a therapist might take one look at me and see right through my walls. And the third, perhaps the scariest, is acceptance because I think she might be right.
“I’ll think about it,” I say in quiet defeat.
Sabrina wraps me in a hug and Whimsy is quick to join.
“Get back to your husband,” I encourage Sabrina. “I just need to touch up my makeup a bit.”
Sabrina looks torn on leaving, but she gives in and nods before slipping out the door.